I know it’s horribly self-centered, especially considering it represents pretty much 90+% of my fandom these days, but more and more I regret ever getting into drawing erotic art because now that’s all anyone seems to see me as and all anybody ever wants. It’s not even my main output…I drew porn for maybe 2 or 3 years almost a decade ago, compared to EVERYTHING ELSE I’ve drawn since I taught myself how to 30 years ago.
I got into drawing porn because I was sexually frustrated by my nearly celibate marriage (7-and-a-half years and we had sex MAYBE five times, total, 7 if you count failed make-out sessions) and because it was an excellent way to teach myself anatomy. No, seriously, try it; you have got to have skills in anatomy to draw porn, because the participants get into the kind of poses you wouldn’t believe, and if your skills aren’t up to the task, your smut will look like shit (and, if my experiences have taught me anything, people will STILL beat off to it). I won’t lie, it’s sometimes really fun to draw, too, especially if you like the characters and can get creative with it, and if you’re feeling like shit (like, say, in the aftermath of a failed marriage, abandoned by family and friends in the middle of a hostile environment, and fighting an still-ongoing battle against suicidal depression), the instant gratification you get from appreciative audiences is quite a pick-me-up.
But, when you’re working on character designs for a project and all anyone cares about is the color of the character’s panties, and the only fanart you get is hypersexual fetishy stuff (seriously, as much as I LOVE fanart of my characters, the fact that one was of my new superhero design flashing her underwear and another was of my 10-YEAR-OLD HEROINE aged up and strutting), it can get tiring.
Hell, I don’t even really enjoy drawing it anymore; I’ve been single for 8 years and celibate for over a decade, anything involving me creating stuff about sex or romance tends to depress me. Yes, I’ll bring it up in conversations with friends, I’ll discuss characters’ sex lives and kinks and such…hey, guess what, I’m HUMAN, I occasionally get horny, alright? Besides, sometimes talking about my creations in that way makes me happy, because it’s an aspect of them that I wouldn’t be able to discuss with casual acquaintances.You can only really talk about things like that with friends, y’know, and those are few and far between for me.
Fuck…the fact that I still owe a couple of really, really patient people porn commissions distresses the Hell out of me sometimes, since I actively dislike doing that kinda of material most days. I wish I had access to cash so I could refund them with interest, they deserve it.
It feels hypocritical, especially in light of some of the things I say on this very Tumblr and my own pornhound tendencies, but considering I almost bit a friend’s head off over it on Skype earlier (figuratively speaking), it’s apparently bugging me more than I care to acknowledge. I’m more than just a masturbation facilitator, dammit, but if that’s all that anyone will ever see me as…maybe it’s best if I never draw again.
…gah. Then again, maybe I’m just moody and tired and I’ll read this later today and immediately want to delete it and replace it with pics of Maisy masturbating again.